Questions that Cause My Brow to Crinkle Adorably

While some people sit and ponder philosophical matters, I sit and ponder:

Why...

1. would people with hairy armpits use stick deodorant? Does the waxy stuff somehow fight and claw its way through the thicket to reach the skin beneath?



2. do people who go on a diet that cuts out one of the major food groups think that (a) this is a good idea and (b) they could possibly maintain such a diet without eventually [i] going bald/toothless from malnutrition (which strikes me as counterproductive to the most common goal of dieting) or [ii] caving like a big pile of rocks?



3. don't men fight for widespread acceptance of skirt-wearing? Women fought to wear pants, and I believe skirts are just as worthy. They're so much more comfortable and well-ventilated than pants, especially on hot summer days. You'd think, with all those sperm in danger of overheating, that guys would wish to get with the program.



4. does synchronized swimming have to propagate an overall atmosphere of a psychotic military-run funhouse? I think what those women can do is an athletic miracle. Yet for reasons I cannot fathom, they feel the need to ridiculize (yes, my word) the dignity of the sport with the goose-step march to the pool, the hair that looks like they practiced too close to an oil spill, the painted dummy grins, and the menacing music compounded by a lot of exploding in and out of the water with "grrrr" arms and clawed hands. Whenever I watch synchronized swimming, I want to focus on the athletes' skill, but I end up helplessly distracted by the theatrics instead.



5. before the pesky existence of borders and mean customs officers, when humans were free nomads traversing the earth, did a bunch of us decide the Arctic would be a neat place to settle? I imagine these people, wandering further and further north, witnessing the steady recession of most life-forms, and they thought what? This is great. Let's keep going until we're engulfed on all sides by blinding-white landscape, where we'll never have sex naked ever again, and we'll eat mostly frozen things as chapped as our faces? I know there are people out there who love cold weather, and maybe we were a little more hirsute back then--but I'm talking about the very beginning. If life was once all about the most basic survival, wouldn't wanting to move to a place that cold be like having an evolutionarily suicidal gene? Obviously I've forgotten everything I ever learned in social studies class--except how sailors used to get scurvy; and also pemmican (like an energy bar made with powdered meat, berries, and fat)--so I'm sure there's a painfully obvious answer behind this migration mystery.