Life's Little Updates

Wow, so many things to share, all of them trivial or mundane, but I'll write about them anyway--because when have I ever let the inconsequential quality of my life stop me from blabbing endlessly about it?

In no order of importance, since none of them hold any:

• I actually baked the fruitcakes I'd vowed to bake and write about months ago. But, I never got around to the "writing about it" part because this suddenly transformed into something I should do, like homework, which instantly made all desire to record my Fruitcake Odyssey vanish. Poof. Gone. Anyhow, due in part to my painstaking preparation of the various ingredients, the cakes were absolutely scrumptious, straight hot out of the oven. But, contrary to my understanding of the logistics of fruitcakes, they seem to have deteriorated over time, rather than aged and improved. What's going on? In a word: overboozed. I just did what everyone told me to do--a spoonful of liquor dribbled over the wrapped cakes every few weeks. Now, some six months of brandy basting later, taking a bite of my fruitcake makes me feel like a firebreather in training. I am literally transformed into a leaky and hazardous gas stove, and am certain that if a match were lit near my mouth, my whole head might ignite or possibly implode. I feel a bit sad. All that time invested and hope culminated...



• I finally caved and bought the long-coveted Soie, to rid my forearms of "those unsightly hairs." I'm not a beast or anything, but there's just enough hair there that I've been bugged by it for quite some time. Sorry, is this rather personal topic making you uncomfortable? I grew up in a family that thrived on inappropriate discussions, with bonus points if you brought up offensive subjects at the dinner table. Anyhow, Soie is a handy little electric hair plucker--yes, you know you want to know more--with a special head that simultaneously applies pressure to the skin as it yanks hair, supposedly to minimalize pain. I suppose it's true what they say, that having a hair plucked feels like an ant bite. Except it's not really comparable because using an electric epilator is really more like have a little contingent of ants steadily nipping their way across a large expanse of your skin--remember when Barbarella found herself overpowered by those jaw-snapping dolls? Or am I thinking about the dainty little pecking birds? Too long ago. Anyhow, the user manual claims the pain will reduce over time. Perhaps the nerve endings, after extended attack, eventually break down and die. Whatever. The important thing is that my arms are now silky smooth. And I'm totally weirded out by this. Have you ever worn braces? Well, looking at my now hairless arms reminds me of the day I got my braces removed after three years of having a metallic grin. My reaction then had been one of utter dismay, for I'd transformed from Jaws into Rocky, but without the annoying squirrel cuteness. My teeth looked gigantic, overexposed; I refused to smile for days. Well, I'm not going to hide foolishly behind long sleeves, but my arms so do not look right.
  
  Soie actually comes with a smaller epilator for removing hair down there--no, not your legs. I don't think I should be embarrassed to admit that the thought of trying it out makes me want to flail and shriek like a big scaredy girl. I wonder what women think after having a Brazillian wax for the first time. I bet the shock factor of all that southern exposure would be double that of naked teeth or arms.

Oh dear, so many updates not yet recorded, but morning has arrived, and I actually have to wake up in a few hours at the ungodly hour of 9am to go to the office. So I shall continue with my stories tomorrow, if possible. I'm really going to try to write more regularly from now on.