In Training

A while back, I officially put myself on a strict muscle-training program. For my bladder, that is. Yes, yes, I know I go on way too much about toilet-related subjects for someone who doesn't have a baby. But chalk it up to spending much of the first half of my childhood with two brothers, two half brothers, and one father with a particularly juvenile sense of humor who I did my best to impress.

Anyhow, this bladder training is in fact serious business because I'll be--happy dance--traveling to Vietnam soon and I do not want to be spending half my trip searching for toilets. Sure, it's easy for all you camel-like Water Retainers to be snide and superior. But my whole life, it's been this way: what drink goes in almost immediately demands to come out, which leaves me feeling perpetually dehydrated, and so I tend to guzzle beverages like there's no tomorrow... and the uncomfortable cycle goes on. Due to this inferior holding capacity, whenever I move some place new, I always work quickly to hone an insider's knowledge of as many accessible public toilets as possible. I even once contemplated starting a pocket guidebook series of public loos for all the major cities of the world.

Here would be my proposal to the publishers: Lots of detailed maps marking hidden side entrances into establishments, etc., but also invaluable tips that will get that user into the nearest white-tiled haven ASAP. For example, "There is a key for customers, nestled in a basket next to the cash register and closely watched by the dark harpy presiding over the coffee bar. But it is possible to slip off with the key when she turns to froth milk for her cappuccinos (which are dreadful and should not be bought in exchange for toilet privileges--it would be far better to take deep, calming breaths and wait until she's distracted)."

But when I go traveling, it's like being thrown to the lions. I don't know what to expect, who to turn to, and where my bladder might inopportunely rear it's annoyingly little head. Which is why I wish someone else would take my toilet guidebook idea and just run with it already. Note to my idea thief: Start with Hanoi. And hurry.